amber rahim

Chronic illness: the parts we don't talk about

The other side of being


I am writing a book and I am stuck.  I want to write about the good, the experiences that keep me going.  Yet every time I sit down to write about these, my mind goes blank.

It is so easy to write about the hard stuff, the painful moments.

I know there have been good moments, achievements big and small, moments that make it all worthwhile and still, it’s like I am frozen.  Unable to even remember them, let alone describe them.  I pick up my pen and nothing.  It is like someone presses pause on my remote control and I haven’t seen this film before so I don’t know what comes next.

So I have been looking for inspiration, a way to unlock those good memories.  I told myself “don’t force it, allow yourself to wander along memory lane and it will come”.  Time has been passing.

Then yesterday my daughter asked me “zullen we een wandeling maken?”  Shall we go for a walk?

It was 6:45pm and she goes to bed at 7:30pm.  It’s a school night and I should have said no but I didn’t.

We put on our coats, grabbed a torch and went outside.

It was drizzly and we talked about the weather.  She thought gloves and a balaclava would be handy considering how cold it was.

She was happy that she had a hood on her coat to pull up and keep her warm and was concerned that I didn’t.

She held my hand to make me feel safe in the dark.


I’m still struggling to find words to describe this good feeling but it was good.  Maybe it was the absence of worry.  Maybe it was the simplicity.  Maybe it was the “being”.  We didn’t “do” much, just went around the block.  It wasn’t an adventure and it wouldn’t be on any child’s christmas list but we did it together.  We were.

We walked, we talked, we held hands.  We came home with the satisfaction of a job well done, with a feeling that all was right with the world.  And it was.

I’m not going to try and write about it anymore.  I just want to enjoy it.  Maybe if I let myself just feel for long enough, the words will come.

4 thoughts on “The other side of being

  1. For me goodness sits in simpleness and in gving attention with all your being in a tender way…without hurry, worry or judgement.
    I don’t know why these moments seem so hard to recall. I guess you just have to write them down from now on. Because when they happen, they seem to be of little meaning. They’re not the moments were your camera was allreay and on stand by, or when you were on the tip of your toes expacting happiness, your pen ready to write down this memory….your mind set on remembering… let the “Big Nice Moments” walk in! Usually they don’t. They kinda sneak up on you. And pats! there it is.Sssst hush…don’t move to big or talk to loud…cause putting in to much TADAAAA (having a good moment) will spoil it. A simple tender being is what you need.

    • I love the way you describe it
      “Because when they happen, they seem to be of little meaning.”
      It’s like the gentleness of the moment washes over you and you don’t notice what is happening.
      The sad, bad and angry stuff slaps you in the face so you can’t help but notice.
      Next time I feel warm and gooey inside I will pay attention.

Please leave a reply, I would love to hear from you.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s