amber rahim

Chronic illness: the parts we don't talk about

my burn out story

4 Comments

When I burnt out I was traveling at 100 mph being batman; saving my business world from the bad guys and crooks who appeared disguised as project managers and stakeholders; and in my private life, fighting off the evil villain of my daughter’s chronic illness.  I was working harder and harder and doing it with a smile and sometimes a snarl.

Finally, a message came through.  My body finally broke through the wall I had put up in my mind to avoid the truth.  My body is a dirty fighter and hit me hard  with aches and pains and finally, took my mind.  I was tired, cranky and short tempered.  I was forgetful, I couldn’t even remember how to spell forgetful.  I couldn’t sleep.  I was exhausted, worn out.

I had an epiphany. ” I need to stop, take a break before I break”.  I thought I was so smart and that I had realized in time.  Ha! Could I have been more wrong?

So I parked my bat mobile, got ready for a 4 week timeout and …… just stopped.  Everything just shut down.  I could barely function.  I had used up all my reserves and was empty.

It took a long time to start back up again, 1 step forward, 1 step back, a step sideways etc.  I started making progress, recovering, to function.  However I realized that there were some things that I couldn’t do anymore and I feared I was broken.  I felt broken.

You see, I thought that people are like elastic bands; when you stretch them too much, they break and they stay broken.

With my burn out, these are the “elastic bands” that broke:

– multitasking.  It took all my concentration to make a cup of tea.  I couldn’t have a chat with you at the same time.

– being able to take on the intensive 24 hour care of a critically ill baby with just my husband and I to split the shifts over.  (Of course I had been trying to do this perfectly).  A lot more work fell on my husband’s shoulders (sorry dear) because I wasn’t able to do my part.

– Being a superhero. Batman was gone, suit back in the cupboard.  I just didn’t care to fight the bad guys anymore

– Being helpful: saying yes, I’ll fix that / take care of it, you can count on me.  Gone.  I just wanted to tell people to, well, insert your own swear word here.

I really thought I had lost a lot but something strange happened during this mega timeout. I started to see things in a new light.  Those things I mentioned just now?  This is what I like to call them now:

– ” tolerating being overworked”

– ” being taken advantage of”

And

-“not asking for help”

Now that I see these “elastic bands” for what they really are; negative, destructive behaviours.  I am glad they are broken.

Who actually wants to be a superhero, working non stop, taking care of everything? (Never mind having to wear your underpants over your tights).

Who wants to do it all alone?

It was with relief that I realized that people are not like elastic bands, we are organic.  We grow, adapt, learn new things.

New things have taken the place of the things I lost.  These are my new things:

The ability to

– say no.  Or “not now” and fit it into a time when I can do it without adding stress.

– recognize if I am becoming overloaded and getting cranky

take action if that happens and get myself back to feeling good: look after myself

And these two are my favourite:

– letting go

– asking for help

Whatever I am doing, it doesn’t have to be perfect.

I can let someone else do it.  I still think there are a lot of things that I can do better than anyone else – I’m not humble, I admit it!.   But if it means that I can take a break, get other tasks done, just breathe, then it’s worth letting someone else do an average job.  I can live with imperfection if I can just breathe.

So did burn out leave me broken?

Actually, it set me free.  Those restrictive bands have burnt away, leaving me covered in a fertile ash where things can grow. I have grown, improved, become a better me.

I can get more done than ever before because I delegate and share the load.  I accept and ask for help.  I focus on what is important and I’m mindful and do one thing at a time (well, ok, I’m not living a zen life but I do it a lot more!).

I feel happy again, I laugh and I experience joy.  I dream and I expect to make some of those dreams come true.

So people, remember this: we are creative, we are resourceful and we are whole.

4 thoughts on “my burn out story

  1. AS always sweetie, you rock. Your posts inspires me, resonate with me and remind me that I can choose to take a different path. Sending love and light and hoping that soon our paths can reconnect…. (We are talking about a trip this summer 😉

    • You are so right about the choosing. So much of life is about choice; either what we want to do or who we want to be when we are doing it. Or how we want to see the situation.
      It’s easy to forget.

  2. I am so glad you decided to become a blogger. Though I don’t always comment Amber. I do try to read them when I can. You are an inspiration to many. I would bet that you are touching and reaching many more lives with this project, than you even realize? Just because you aren’t always getting a high volume of feedback etc. do not dare to assume this means people aren’t reading and or being touched by this? Truth is that many folks are too apathetic or just plain lazy, to take the time to comment. My guess is that most people don’t realize just how important it is to receive comments or feedback? However, I do know, FOR A FACT, several people personally who have been inspired by your stories and candor. Keep it up, and thank you for being you!

    • Hi Cara,

      I really appreciate you writing. every week I send something out into the world and I do wonder if it is reaching people. thanks to you and others who do leave comments here, on Facebook or by mail, I do know that my thoughts are reaching some people.
      It means a lot to me that it does. It’s why I am writing. It is very easy to feel alone, even when we are not. It is easy to convince ourselves that others do not know or understand. sometimes they don’t, sometimes they do and there is always someone who cares.
      thank you, for writing and encouraging me!

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