amber rahim

Chronic illness: the parts we don't talk about

Tag Archives: happiness


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My own Oscars thank you speech

I would like to thank

In Oct 2012 I started my journey of changing my life so that I could do the work I want: supporting others to discover and develop their intrinsic strengths and to live a lighter life, unburdened. A major milestone in this journey has just been reached with my submission yesterday of my written exam for my certification as a Professional Co-Active Coach. I would like to take a moment to thank the people who made it possible.

To F.

From before you were born and they unceremoniously pushed your feet back in and told you “you’re not coming out that way” (ok, maybe that was only unpleasant for me), with your cesarean birth 10 weeks early you have learned that new experiences are painful. You almost dehydrated to death and they spent the first 24 hours poking you with needles, trying to get IVs into your teeny tiny veins and pumping 3 times your body weight in fluids into you to keep you alive.

Even every gentle touch on your preemie skin was unbearable because it wasn’t ready for touch yet (so they asked me not to stroke your cheek). Every day brought more needles, more medical procedures.

Cuddly toys were intriguing but you were punished for your curiosity because touching them would make you shudder, sometimes even vomit.

So many experiences were unpleasant or painful. Yet you still try. You are cautious yet you amaze me with your ability to actually try new things and you blow me away when you jump in with enthusiasm and belief that this new thing could be good.

To S.

No matter how many times you fall you get back up and go again, smiling, full of energy and determination.  Everyone around you can already do these things but that does not dishearten you, that they are better than you. You want to be good too so you keep practising until you get it right, growing each day in your ability to adapt your plans when they don’t work and try a new way to reach your goal. Such determination.

I thank you both for showing me the way:

Dare to try something new, even if experience has taught you that new things aren’t always good.

Keep trying until you succeed.

Above all, do it with grace and laughter. Enjoy it.

To J.

You always believed in me and never faltered in your faith that I could do this. You took up some of my burdens, without me even asking, without fuss, so that I could focus. You listened to my frequent self doubts without rolling your eyes in frustration or disdain (ok, sometimes you did that but only after I had tested your patience to the max).

You put aside your own goals to support mine, yet still managed to find time to actually pursue your goals.  How you managed to do all that I will never know but I thank you for it.

To my clients and fellow certification colleagues

You gave me your trust and let me practice and hone my craft on you. You showed me what is possible when you step into your life with fierce courage.

You have all shown me what happens when you give yourself permission to be yourself, to pursue what you really want and when you realize the strengths that you already have:

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE


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Planting the seeds of confidence

This post is going to be a bit different.  It’s not about chronic illness and it’s not about struggle.  Something happened this week that made me happy and I want to share it.

In my first ever post I talked about my journey to finding my daughter, seeing the child behind the illness.  Ever since, I have been doing something more consciously and deliberately.

I have been acknowledging my daughter.  It’s kind of like a compliment but I don’t praise what she has done, I acknowledge who she is.  It goes something like this:

” You know, you are smart, you figure things out.”

“You are funny and cheeky”.

“You are intelligent”.

“Even when you are scared and nervous, you try new things”.

“You know what you want”.

When I first started doing this I was met with shyness, a shake of the head and often an embarrassed “stop! why are you saying this?”

It seemed too much for her and she got embarrassed.  I think this is something we all do when the attention is turned to us and who we are.  It’s so personal and we are not used to it.

As time went by she starting getting used to me doing this.  Then she started to ask me, shyly, to “do that thing, when you say stuff”.  She would smile, my heart would melt and I would oblige.  I was happy, she was happy.

I have been working a lot lately so this last Sunday when I was helping her get ready for the day I took the opportunity to acknowledge her.  It’s been a while.

I started talking and she started smiling.  Confidently.

The she spoke and blew me away.

“I know” she said.

We both grinned and hugged.

I thought “this is beautiful”.

So I have new definitions of beauty (to add to my collection).  Beauty is someone glowing with the confidence of knowing who they are.  Beauty is the connection created between two people when they share this knowing.

And I know that with a simple acknowledgement, by saying “you are …” you can help build self worth.

Yes of course she gets insecure or disappointed in herself but she also knows that she is smart, funny and brave.


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3 important lessons for happiness in 2014

Happy New Year everyone!  A sincere and heartfelt wish for good health to you all.

I did not expect to write a “new years” themed post but life is full of surprises.

It wasn’t a good start to the year.  By last Thursday (only the 2nd day of the year) it had already become too much for me.

Normally I don’t like to stay up until midnight on New Year’s Eve.  I’m tired most of the time anyway and it just takes me too long to recover these days.  Plus, there’s something about having to stay up that I rebel against.

I stayed up this year as we were with family (it was a lovely evening) but by Thursday morning I was still recovering.  My daughter woke up around 9am feeling ill.  With terrible stomach pains, she was crying and throwing up.  As I tried to comfort her my mind ran through all the things it could be:

  • Stomach bug
  • Bleeding ulcers
  • All that Piri Piri sauce she ate yesterday
  • Bleeding ulcers!
  • Gastritis …. and bleeding ulcers!!!

I have a bit of a paranoia about bleeding ulcers.  You see, she is on a combination of meds that can cause ulcers.  She has already had severe gastritis because of her meds (age 6 months) and she is on an NSAID that is only for short term use (read weeks) because it causes ulcers and she has been on it for 6 years.  Yikes!

It’s a calculated and managed risk.  It saved her life in the early months, kept her out of hospital in the first couple of years and allows her to have a good quality of life now.

However, it is a ticking bomb that may or may not go off.  If she gets an ulcer she won’t be able to take this or any other NSAID for the rest of her life.  Muscle pain and need Ibuprofen?  No can do.  Quality of life?  Seriously affected.

So while all this is going on in my crazy, tired head, and I am trying to comfort her, my poor little girl is crying and asking for Dad (who was temporarily unavailable).

Brimming with frustration and impatience I just wanted to tell her to “stop it, just be quiet”.  (Well, I wanted to shout it actually and there were quite a few exclamations marks in my head too).

I took a breath, explained that her dad would be back in 2 minutes and that I needed to go to the toilet.  Then I left the room.

I stayed in the bathroom for a long time, much longer than necessary.  I put myself in timeout.  Her dad was brilliant with her; kind, patient, loving.  Just what she needed. I am so grateful to him because last Thursday I just couldn’t do it.

So these are my 3 important lessons for happiness in 2014

  1. It’s good to share the load.
  2. It’s better to walk away than say something you would regret
  3. Accept that Mummy time is never at a civilised time of the day (like 9am on a Thursday).  Kids want their mums at stupid o’clock times like 4am on Friday morning.  That’s when they want you to sit with them and hold their hand.  So I did.


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Ignorance is bliss: so what happens to the bliss once you “know”?

For a while now I have been contemplating the question

“is it possible to experience pure joy once the ignorance of childhood has gone?”

I’m thinking of the phrase “ignorance is bliss” when I pose this question.  We all lose our ignorance as we get older but there is something about chronic illness that brings a lot of knowledge: knowledge of pain and suffering and icky stuff.  Not so conducive to blissful feelings.

I have a draft on this topic and it starts with this:

“when I look at my daughters and their amazing capacity for joy I see a pleasure that comes easily.  A pleasure in a new discovery like what happens when you blow up a balloon and let it go.  In daring to jump and succeeding, or failing and landing on their butts, giggling.  I see and I wonder how they do it.

How do they surrender to the moment completely so that in that moment they are joy?”

I came across this postcard on Facebook the other day (thank you PowerPlug! (Motivational Quotes) ) and I think the answer lies in the first sentence of this quote:

be happy for no reason

They don’t need a reason.  They are just happy, most of the time.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all roses.  The thorns are there too.  The tragedy of denial “don’t eat the snail, take it out of your mouth!!!” is an equally vivid, full blown experience.  It is also a wonder and and awesome sight to behold.  the rage followed quickly by the sorrow.  Then, in a blink of an eye, it is gone.  (Yes 3 exclamation marks are necessary; she wasn’t trying to chew it, she was sucking on it.  Excuse me while I heave again).

As adults we have had many experiences, good and bad.  We tend to tone down the joy and try to mute the sorrow.  We have gained knowledge and developed our consciousness.  We have learnt how to choose what we want to study at school, where we want to live, what haircut and clothes etc and these are all fine.  But are they enough?  Do these choices give us a fulfilling life?  Do they make us happy?  I say no, no they do not.

Instead of the usual choices let’s do something different.  Let’s choose how we feel.

Yes I still need to figure out what happens to bliss once you get “knowledge” but today I am choosing to be happy.  For no reason.